So about that happiness

08Jan12

It’s a complicated thing. If I’m honest I will admit that I generally equate happiness with stupidity and lack of depth. Happy people kind of freak me out because they just seem so positive. I feel like I wouldn’t be me if I was happy. I’m defined by the fact that I’m sort of crabby, I’m sarcastic, critical and probably inappropriate. It’s how people know me and how I know myself. If I was happy, I worry that I wouldn’t be any of those things anymore. I think about what it would like to be a nicer person and I feel like I would lose a part of me. I like having a sharp wit and I feel like I would compromise that with being happy.

I realize that this is undoubtedly a fucked up way of thinking. Logically it doesn’t even make sense that I would magically become happy enough that I would totally lose my personality.

I’m struggling to say whatever it is I want to say here, which is fairly unlike me. I suppose it can be summed up in the idea that I’m afraid to change. Thankfully I don’t have enough motivation to do it right now anyway.

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