Could it be another change

07Apr11

I started this blog as a way of coping with having a hard time getting pregnant. I felt alone and sad and it was an outlet for me to talk about that and various other parenting issues. Then I got pregnant and had a baby and the blog sort of…ended. I thought about starting it up again but it seemed too hard or too boring or just too whatever. But I need it now, only in a different way. So I am repurposing it into a blog about me with a little family thrown in on occasion.

Since having a second kid, things have been crazy and hectic. Sometime during the end of my pregnancy I started staying up late to enjoy some along time after putting them to bed. I end up staying up until about midnight or later, then I have a hard time getting up in the morning and I’m all miserable. I don’t even do anything when I’m up at night. I’m watching bad tv or surfing the internet wondering wht I’m not asleep. I usually feel like I’m looking for something, maybe a blog or a website or something that will resonate with me. But I don’t find it. What I find is a bunch of websites and then exhaustion in the morning. And I’ve wasted hours of my life. But still I keep doing it.

If I’m honest with myself taking care of two kids is way more work than I thought it would be at times. Sometimes I’m good at it and other times I know I’m falling horribly short. I snap at my kids and I’m tired and frustrated. So then I feel guilty that I’m not appreciating something that I wanted so badly. I think of people who talk about being filled with joy and fulfillment when they look at their kids and I wonder why that’s not me. I do feel it on occasion but it’s just too fleeting.

So that is where I am. Walking around feeling like I have a hole in me. Struggling to stay focused on the anger and trying not to get caught up in thinking of what I’m missing. I’m trying to think of something I can do to fill my time and I’m coming up empty. Trying to come up with something to fill the hole and coming up empty there too. I cannot go on like I have been.

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